Shakespeare Returns
“I, the Bard of Avon, h'reby expresseth mine own discontent through this epistle. I has't been contemplating ov'r mine own decision f'r quite some timeth anon. The present day, I hath decided to script this, f'r t's mine own responsibility to enlighten the dunderheads.”
An awkward silence veiled the courtroom. All heads turned towards me. Awe and curiosity played hide and seek on their faces.
“Wherefore art thy eyes did fix on me? I utt'r'd not a gallimaufry of w'rds but mine own thoughts.” Ev'ryone did burst into laught'r; f'r reasons I am not acknown of. I think they are all mated.
"Yo, man! Who do you think you are? Shakespeare? Talking in that Cheugy lingo. Keep it simple, dude!”
I hath felt joyous hearing mine own nameth. “Aye, your lordship! I am William Shakespeare, forsooth.”
“Who allowed this guy in my court? What is his case? And you...whoever you are, speak in plain English. Don’t use that strange accent in my court.”
fie! new gen'ration daws. t's not of mine own ranketh to strife with a whippersnapper. I shalt ign're the affront and wend on with mine own speech. Let me put it forth in simpler verbiage. Just to beest fair to all.
“Your lordship! Pardon me, f'r I am not well v'rs'd with the Gen Z vocabulary. I has't come to this world to share my displeasure regarding the misuse of the English language. Allow me to present mine own thinkings bef're the court. The jury can decide hencef'rth.”
“What nonsense is this? Have you lost it? Misuse of the English language? Really? Who is doing that? And who gave you the authority to decide on that? You’ll make me go bonkers now. Where’s your lawyer?”
“I has't no lawyer, your lordship! Several of my plays hadst court scenes. I has't execut'd such scenes with great expertise. I am well acknown of the court proceedings and shall present mine own case bef're thee. With thy permission, I shall begin.”
The jury memb'rs hadst s'rious expressions on their faces. Seated on the sceptred isle, the judge seemed engrossed in thoughts. There was a fresh garboil amongst the public attendees. Buzzers disconcerting the milieu.
The presiding judge, banged the gavel to call for attention. The guy is nuts. Should I even proceed with the hearing or dismiss it right now? Maybe I should take it easy and have fun, for a day. I’ll let him speak. Anyway, his case is baseless. Calling himself Shakespeare! He should be in some mental asylum.
I ignored the disordered situation and proceeded with my case. “Your lordship! Let me once again formally introduce myself. I am William Shakespeare. Born in Stratford-upon-Avon, a town in England. My contribution to the history of English Literature made me famous. My works earned me fame. It got recognition globally. You must’ve read my plays and sonnets in school or college. Every syllabus includes my work.”
“Bro, enough of intro. Cut it short. Don't try to flex all over the place with that gag." A member of the jury remarked. He was in his early 20’s; quite young for the job. His eyes were hooked to the device in his palm.
I ignored the younk'r and went on with my case. “Your lordship! It is now the 22nd year of the 3rd millennium. The English language hast evolv'd with time. From Middle to Modern English, the language has been welcomed and admired globally. All of us are aware of how The Great Vowel Shift affected all dialects of English, yet it was quaint. But in the last few years, the world witnessed a shift in word formations. Both in the spoken and written form of the language. I wish to mendeth the situation.”
My speech jargogles the judge. He sits still; expressionless, unable to cognize my speech. ‘twas the court of law and the judge, a learn'd gentleman. I wond'r'd if at all he wouldst passeth a fair judgment; l'rd beest the judgeth.
***
It was not yet my time to return to the mortal world. Yet, I requested the supreme lord to include my name on his priority list. The urgency to revive the English language was keeping me awake at night. I couldn’t bear to see the tools of a language as profound as English, being manhandled. I approached several prolific writers present in our Elysian Fields, but they seemed least bothered. We all witnessed the Gen Z freshmen bring in their gibberish lexis, yet failed to understand the threat it posed to the English language. Moreover, I was afraid to see Gen Alpha following the same trend; worsening it further.
Now how can I, William Shakespeare, The Father of Modern English Literature, tolerate such misapply? I wanted to expiate their habit of distorting my quotes; misquoting my phrases; crediting me for quotes that ain’t mine, and the trend to randomly coin words with no proper meaning or historical lineage. I was totally against the trend of using my profile to design a ‘Meme.’ A term I came to know of recently. The list was unending.
Staying put in my comfort zone wouldn’t have served my purpose. It troubled my mind to see many historic writers of our realm, adopt their style. I wanted to cure it from the root, and the root was elsewhere. It originated from the mortal world. So I decided to revisit my old world. My dear friends, Dickens, Chaucer and Johnson warned me of the outcome, but I was adamant. Finally, the day came when my wish got granted. I was reborn with the soul of Shakespeare, but with altered looks. Confusion was certain.
PS: After visiting the mortal world, I realised that understanding my style of writing was not everyone’s cuppa tea. Hence, I jotted my backstory in simpler words. I want my thoughts to reach out to every being reading this.
***
“Your lordship! I thanketh thee f'r giving me this opp'rtunity to present mine own say. This is a v'ry imp'rtant issue that must be addressed now. I am trying is to saveth the language and its usage, f'r reasons valorous.”
“Alright! Proceed with your case.” The judge advised.
“Your lordship! I continued, "Gen Z speaks English but uses a whole different set of vocabulary. Due to this informal rearrangement, the essence of the language is fading. The English language is in a derelict condition. Gen Alpha will further degrade it if we don’t act forthwith. I plea to thee, and ev'ryone presenteth h're, to supp'rt my endeavours.”
There was pin drop silence, and everyone listened to my speech attentively. I paused to take a shufti of the surroundings when the judge said, "Go on. Tell us more about it."
With added zeal, I went on to present my thoughts. “Your lordship, this ain't no crusade, but a movement to raise awareness about this grave matt'r. I has't jott'd the points to pond'r and here I present that bef're thee.”
Everyone straightened their backs as I unfolded the parchment. “Your lordship! I empathize with Gen Z, but I loathe their habit of disrespecting the English language. A few millennials and Gen Z rookies use 'meaningless' phrases. They have no care for the fusty w'rds and keepeth inventing unintelligible and fatuous words. Brother has been snipped to Bro; Sister is now Sis. Such words ain't gender specific no more. I wish to enlighten them.”
“Like, seriously? Why, what’s wrong with the way we talk? Bro, it’s dope. Periodt. Get over it! Ok Boomer?” A young lady from the Gen Z tribe commented from the far end of the courtroom.
“This is exactly what I was trying to explain, thy l'rdship! They speak and write in abbreviations and acronyms like GOAT, LOL, TBH. They’re not only trimming the words; they are killing the essence too. They put a few alphabets randomly and toss t as a new w'rd. More strangely, such nonsensical words receive immense recognition among their peers. They are bringing that trend in and influencing Gen A and millennials to useth it.”
“Chill, man! Nowadays, no one has time to write lengthy stuff. Till the communication is clear, it’s all fair. We keep it short and sweet. You claim to be Shakespeare, right? So you must be familiar with the phrase - Fair is Foul; Foul is Fair. Similarly, your lingo sounds dank, but it’s obsolete. Our vocab sounds gibberish, but its drip. Now cut the crap, and stop finessing the jury with your boujee script.”
't wast the same lady again. “I am not a foe of the freshmen. I have no mal fide intention, your lordship! I doth not intend to fleer their sentiments but relume the love f'r the language. I wanteth those folks to treasure the language that we has't nurtur'd f'r centuries.”
“Dear William! As much as we love and respect your work, you must agree that it is not easy for everyone to grasp it. Times have changed. Years have gone by since you left the mortal world. Everything evolved with time; so did language. You must accept this fact, and not contradict the changes. It is what it is! Remember, Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
fie! I wast dishearten'd. “Your lordship! I doth not intendeth to contradict...
Before I could finish my sentence, the judge banged the gavel. “Case dismissed.”
Mission unaccomplished. Fear, Shakespeare. Fear!
Penmancy gets a small share of every purchase you make through these links, and every little helps us continue bringing you the reads you love!