I was on my way to college. My leggings and Kurta were binding me. It was like moving in a concentration camp.  While I was leaving for college…. “Tara…., I stopped, numb for a while, raging at the dictatorial behavior of that man, who was my father, but refused to accept me. Like a prisoner my bag was checked, his furious look almost on the verge of killing me. After the ritual was over, I was warned of dire consequences if I did not return home by Six. A father who was more like a threatening demon for me made my life miserable. Yet my soul kept my spirits high and brought laughter in my life. I went to the restaurant round the corner. The man at the counter smiled and slightly nodded his head. The wash room there was my changing room. I walked out in denims and a crop top with a shrug. Breathing air of freedom, I smiled and waved at the restaurant staff.  Ah! there is the ragged man smoking, he must be a criminal, thoughts raced in my mind. Just then two ruffians purposefully brushed past me almost knocking me over.  Next there was a loud sound and scuffle as the two boys ran away. The ragged man quietly left the scene. On the one hand I was overwhelmed at someone whom I had labelled as a criminal coming to my rescue. While a man, my biological father, hurt me physically and mentally. ****** At the time of my birth…… Rajesh Shelar, my biological father, was pacing up and down in the hospital corridor. “It has to be a boy, I don’t want any burden on my head, so no girl”, He was his usual petulant self. “Shalini, dare not give birth to a girl”. His fists were tightened as he bit his lips in fury. Sumatai, Papa’s elder sister sat looking at her enraged brother. She was familiar with his antics and always maintained a distance from him. Her presence at the hospital was only for my mother, a soft timid woman. She controlled her annoyance at Papa’s behavior and patiently waited for the news. I was born. “A girl…. screamed Papa “Excuse me Sir, please lower your voice, this is a hospital”, the nurse firmly told him. Papa stormed into the room. “I had warned you that I want a boy. But a weakling like you, is a good for nothing. You are not capable of doing anything right or making me happy”. The new born baby girl did not get a warm welcome. There were no celebrations. Sumatai named me Tara meaning star. She wanted me to light up mother’s life, help her navigate through her dark life. Mother’s tears bathed me through day and night. She struggled to cope with Papa’s taunting, abuse and hatred for both her and me. I snuggled into mother’s warm bosom as she affectionately caressed me. Her gentle touch and soft voice were overflowing with love and at the same time concern about me. Papa’s hatred was expressed in more than one way. “Why are you wasting your time over that wretched creature”, that is my father ranting while mother is feeding me”.  “I want to have chicken biryani, just now”. Mother just plonked me on the bed (no crib for a girl child) and ran towards the kitchen. Her misty eyes with a generous flow of tear beads. “Stop crying, you have jinxed my life. That misfortune born on a Saturday, on thirteenth day of the month has all signs of disaster for me” I continued to live in that house courtesy Sumatai, who used her authority as Papa’s elder sister to convince him. My fate was decided at the time of birth. My father viewed it as an insult to his patriarchal power. He wanted a son, an heir and not a daughter who would be just a liability. I was brilliant in academics and extracurricular activities. But my interest in sports or any creative activities at school was curbed by Papa. He never signed my report card, any consent letter for participation in any extracurricular activity or picnics and field trips. My brilliant track record kept me in limelight at school. My school Principal was my savior and an angel. She encouraged me to participate in competitions at school. I could not go for class picnics but my principal firmly told Papa that field trips are part of the curriculum and so he had signed the consent letter. The school Annual day was held in the auditorium. Just like every other year, parents came to the school looking forward to see their children perform. “Tara, introduce me to your parents”, Rohini’s mother said looking around for my parents. “I would surely like to see the people who have nurtured you so well, Rohini always tells us about your good performance”.  Rohini’s mother was excited to meet parents of the girl who took away so many prizes and awards each year. Where are my parents…… I lowered my eyes managing a faint smile.  Just then Sumatai, who always came as my guardian, came to my rescue. “I am Suman, Tara’s Aunt. I am attending the school annual day function this year. I wanted to see Tara getting prizes and also participating in the dance”. Sumatai had always encouraged me and pacified me. At school I was very social and made friends easily. The time spent at school are the best days in my life. My nervousness, hatred, all negative feelings just got drowned in the conversation, banter, laughter at school. “Who is that girl you were talking to outside the school gate? A resounding slap across my face left me dizzy for a while. “She is my classmate, Nirmal”. “There is no need to loiter after school hours. Today you stopped to talk to girl. Tomorrow there will be a gang of boys around you. I know you very well.” Papa kept ranting. During that verbal tirade he hurled abuses at both mother and I.  I could not bring home my friends. There were no celebrations ever at my house. “Tara, you must come to my birthday party this year. Mother has hired an event manager for the theme party”, Tina my classmate and close friend hugged me, trying to convince me. My heart was heavy as I made a flimsy excuse. I was not allowed to go for birthday parties or any function. “She is already a burden. When she sees those other girls wearing revealing dresses, she will also want shorts and miniskirts. These parties are only for staying out late in the night and having boyfriends”. My father never felt the need to give me a normal life forget about an enjoyable good life. The hours spent at school gave me some respite with so many good people around me. The classroom, teachers, peers and the bright ambience kept me going. I read a quote on my school wall: “Never stop dreaming, never stop believing, never give up, never stop trying, never stop learning”. I looked at the framed piece each day. My dream to have a caring father, who would be there for me always – in happy moments, in times of distress.  But for me there was never a moment of joy with my father around. I was liked a caged bird flapping my wings and desperately trying to fly. An inner voice said, “you can do it”, an unknown being in me strengthened my belief. The path ahead was rocky but I kept trekking. School days were soon over. The farewell party was an emotional one for me. The school, classrooms, library, teachers and my classmates – all had been my life, close to me for so many years. The thought of separation, maybe never seeing them again was unimaginable. But I had to accept reality and move on. My marksheet offered me admission to the best college in the city. “There is no need to go to a college away from home. You will only find excuses to stay out for a long time”. I joined a college closer to home, though not the best one. Sumatai gifted me a mobile phone when my name in the Board merit list. Papa checked my mobile phone every day to see if there were any objectionable calls or messages. He kept an account of the usage. On a particularly bad day, heavy rains lashed the city. Roads were flooded, traffic jams everywhere. As usual transport and communication network were not at their best. To add to my troubles, I was stranded without transport outside my college. My mobile had no balance. I was overcome with the fear of facing Papa’s wrath for reaching home late. In frantically waved at autorickshaws, all of them just zooming past me. Just then a van stopped before me. A smiling face peeped out and asked me” Do you need help”. I never had stranger anxiety, but reflexes were not quick. I paused for a moment to judge the person offering help. Is he a genuine savior or is he a goon” But the softness in his voice was not fake. “Yes, can you help me get an autorickshaw” I said trembling with fear and cold. “I can drop you home. It is raining so heavily; roads are flooded so getting transport is difficult”. I hopped into the van, thanking my stars. “I am Ram. I take school children to school and back home”. “I am Tara”, the gentleness in that young man’s voice made me comfortable. Ram maneuvered the van swiftly through the congested roads and dropped me home. He handed me a paper with his name and contact details. Ram had perhaps shed some good luck on me. Papa was not at home when I entered the house. I did not have the time to change back into my kurta and leggings outfit. I was drenched and sneezing. Mother wiped my hair with a towel. By the time I changed into dry clothes, mother made a hot cup of ginger tea for me. I felt refreshed after having tea and being hugged by mother. All this was possible because Papa was not around. Mother had to curb all her feelings for me in the presence of Papa. “You have done the crime of giving birth to a girl, that is more than enough for me. Now don’t pamper her and make things worse for me”. These words were hurled at mother several times, every day. That day, as I sat in my room, the day’s events unfolded before me. Ram’s cheerful face, his banter lifted up my spirits. My college life became a routine, with checking my bag, changing into a better outfit, classes and back home not before going back to my sanskari avatar. Once again socializing was limited. I had put a fence around me. Alia was the only friend I had.  Sheena encouraged me to join the Literary group at college. I also spent some time on the badminton court. My creative writing skills were noticed and I began to pen poems. The college magazine had two of my poems. “Hey Tara, the baritone voice made turn back. There he was tall broad shouldered with a stellar smile. I paused for a moment with a questioning look. “I read your poems in the college magazine, vivid imagery and brilliantly penned” “Thank you” I said and began to walk away. “Arnav, FY BA”, he stretched out his hand with a smile.  I just smiled and walked away. I did not want anyone to crossover the boundary that I had drawn for myself. Friendship with a male was a big no for me. I knew what lay ahead for me. I was threatened, warned forced to lead a solitary life. Academics was my only interest. After meeting Arnav, I stopped going to the Literary group meetings. I even stopped writing to avoid having any further conversation with Arnav. The fear of my social circle expanding also put me on the alert. I became wary of making new friendships. “Tara”, I heard Arnav’s calling me. I pretended that I did not hear him and quickly walked into the library. Not one to give up easily, Arnav came and sat next to me. “Why have you stopped coming to the Literary group”, he spoke in a hushed tone. “Shh, this is a library… “Okay, see you in the cafeteria at 5” I missed a beat but showed composure. That day classes ended at 4,30  I did not go to the cafeteria to meet Arnav. As I changed and came out of the restaurant, there he was flashing his smile. “Tara, come let us have coffee” He almost led me to the café across the road. “Arnav, but… my words were unheard. My eyes were roving all over the place to see if any acquaintance spotted me there. “What is the matter Tara, are you okay” “Arnav, I have some commitment at home, have to reach in five minutes”. I got up and ran out of the café. Many eyebrows raised at my action but I chose to ignore everyone. I was puffing and sweat rolled down my forehead when I reached home. “Did you fight with someone, or have you committed a crime, I knew that you will tarnish our reputation”, Papa was ranting as usual. “She must be tired, it is so hot and humid outside”, mother tried to pacify Papa. “Okay, now give her an AC car and chauffeur to go around and waste her time” I sat quietly in my room.  Sumatai had recently given me a new cell phone with a billing sim card She put a sim card which registered in her name. So, the bill would be mailed to her and she took the responsibility of paying the bill. At that time too, after Sumatai left, Papa went ballistic and had created a havoc in the house. “Sumatai is trying to show that she is a good person. She has made look like a villain in front of you two. Now this girl will go rampant. She will be free to talk to her boyfriends. Is Sumatai going to own the responsibility if this girl runs away with someone”. He continued making allegations and directing his fury at mother. As I sat in a depressed mood, a piece of paper caught my attention. Ram Kadam, Van for hire. His cell phone number waved out to me. I locked my room and dialed Ram’s number, “Hello” came that cheerful voice “Hello, this is Tara” “Yes, Madam would you like to hire my van” Excitedly I reminded Ram of his kind act to drop me home on a rainy day. “Oh, how are you” “I am good”. We spoke for a while. I immediately connected with this man whom I had met just once. It felt like talking to an old friend. It was a heart-warming conversation. I don’t remember what we spoke about. But it surely calmed me down after facing a terrible scene earlier. Ram soon became my 4AM friend. In my low moods, almost daily, I called Ram and spoke to him. I never shared my woes with him. It was just a friendly banter that lifted my spirit. Meanwhile Arnav continued to stalk me. I had the additional burden and threat of facing a stalker apart from the humiliation that I faced at home. Arnav belonged to a wealthy family. He wore opulent clothes, had expensive mobile phones and moved around in flashy cars. Many girls were attracted to his wealth. My cold response to his overtures did not go down well with Arnav. He found it rather insulting that I did not fall for his bait. Things began to take an ugly turn. A poster with a heart drawn and a caricature of a girl kissing a boy was put up in the cafeteria. The caption was ‘Star falling in the ocean, Tara loves Arnav’. I never went to the cafeteria. Sheena pulled me to the cafeteria to show the poster. “Tara you must lodge a complaint against Arnav”. “No Tara, Arnav’s Dad is a big shot. Moreover, he is a Trustee of our college”. Overcome with fear and shame, I became ill. I had high fever and was shivering. I had to be hospitalized for some days. Due to my brilliant track record, I was granted leave from college. Sumatai came to stay with us. She was wise enough to know that I needed support and care. “Can I come to see you”, Ram was concerned about my health. But I diplomatically stopped him saying that doctor has strictly advised against people visiting me. I went back to college after complete recovery. Arnav also maintained distance from me. Later I heard from classmates that the principal had advised Arnav to stay away from me.  I passed SYJC with flying colors again with a place in the merit list. Ram waited outside college with flowers to congratulate me. Arnav also gave me a big bouquet and congratulated me. He seemed to have sobered down. There was a big discussion on my career prospects. “Let her do graduation. Meanwhile we can start looking for alliances. I cannot keep this liability for long”, Papa said in his usual hatred filled tone. “She is too young to get married. Let her choose her own career”, Sumatai was my savior. I enrolled in the College of Social Work. My dream of counselling and working for the welfare of destitute women could be realized. At this college the feeling of being a caged bird lessened. I had around me people with progressive thoughts. People who were courageous, passionate and filled with compassion. My curriculum included theory classes and field work. I got the opportunity to meet people who were so dedicated to their work for the community. The world has so much pain, agony. My woes seemed much smaller as I saw suffering of women facing domestic violence, sexual assault that in many cases went undocumented or unreported. Since my college hours were not fixed, Papa had no choice but to stay away from my life. Though hatred and humiliation stayed and was expressed from time to time. My friendship with Ram got strengthened. I met his family- an affectionate father and a sweet sister. Ram also introduced me to the women’s SHG. The SHG not only provided livelihood but empowered women to create awareness about health, nutrition and education. I participated in their group discussions and also organized talks on health and education related topics. I introduced the group to a nutritionist who gave guidance on mid-day meals, nutrition for pregnant and postpartum women.   I saw a whole new world with human values and relationships.  A stark contrast to my life at home. I could hear affectionate words and feel warmth whenever I visited the community. Ram’s home had positive vibes. Ram’s father was an epitome of goodness. I met a father of my dreams. At the end of my first year of BSW course, one day Papa came home all excited. “Asha… for the first time in my life I saw Papa smile. “Tara, you go to your room”. Papa ordered me. Desmukh Sir has called me to his office tomorrow. They are interested in Tara for their only son. For my father, my marriage meant shedding his burden, getting rid of liability. Besides alliance with the Deshmukh family, a millionaire business family, would elevate my father’s status in his social circle. The engagement took place soon after my first-year exams. My fiancé was none other than Arnav Deshmukh. I could no longer visit the community. Arnav gifted me western clothes that I had to wear when we went for lunch dinner or movies. “She must follow the trends and regulations of the Deshmukh family” was my father’s reaction to my new wardrobe. I was wilting under the humiliation of becoming wife of a person I had consciously ignored. I moved around with Arnav with a fake smile on my face but my soul burning within. “Tara is lucky to get such a good alliance” “She always wanted to get married to that rich guy” The gossip and taunts hurt me like sharp arrows. I found solace in my conversations with Ram. Every night I called Ram and spoke to him. Then I deleted the call because my phone was checked by Papa and Arnav as well. The big fat wedding also took place soon. I moved into the sprawling house of my husband. The wedding festivities were hectic and tiring. I did not enter my new home like a happily married new bride. It was like walking into a concentration camp for me. The Deshmukh family’s opulence and haughtiness was evident all the time. So, the honeymoon was also to an exotic location. The luxurious hotel suite did not impress me at all. Dark clouds were billowing over my life amidst all the glitter. “Hey, do you know why I got married to you”, Arnav smirked after two drinks down. “I wanted to crush your conceit. You were trying to be snooty” “My friends challenged me to make you, my wife. Here you are. Daughter in law of Atul Deshmukh and wife of Arnav Deshmukh”. The ten-day honeymoon period was poisonous as ever. Arnav drank heavily. I was confined to one room in the suite. I could hear the cacophony outside. Females giggling and squealing, obviously in high spirits hammered my auditory sense and my brains. My cell phone was confiscated by Arnav. There was no way I could communicate with the outside world. The ten-day ordeal came to an end. We were back home to the lavish mansion of the Deshmukh family. The huge house also brought to my notice the distance within the family. A complete disconnected family coming together only for publicity pictures and videos. My days were spent in dressing up in expensive attire and doing nothing. Nights were horrendous. Arnav entered the room in arbitrated state, He hurled abuses, insults at me. My family was cursed and despised. I became used to the physical abuse and rape.  Scars on my body were hidden by cosmetics and clothes. But a scarred bleeding soul needed a soothing balm. The wealth and wealthy people around me threatened my identity and existence. I managed to call Ram one day. I simply broke down and narrated my plight to him. His consoling words were calming but I had to find a solution. My movements inside and out of the house were monitored all the time. A security guard accompanied me when I went out. But I had to escape from this prison.  It was a lonely dark night. Arnav and his father had gone out of station on a business trip. I packed a few clothes and some cash in a case.  I tip toed down the back stairs which was reserved for the servants. My heart beat rapidly as I looked around to see if I am being watched. The security cameras did their job of recording my flight. Fortunately for me the servants were also not to be seen. I ran out of the rear gate and hopped into an auto rickshaw. “Taratai… a familiar voice. It was Raghu, a young boy from the community. I was panting heavily. Raghu offered me water. “What happened” he asked. I told him to take me to Ram’s house. Ram’s family were shocked to see me at that unearthly hour. My worn-out face and scars on my body said it all. “Please take me away from this hell” I pleaded with Ram. Ram’s father gave me some water and tried to pacify me. “But they will look for you everywhere. You know how well connected they are”. “We have time till morning to move to a faraway place”. Ram and I left the place in his van. His father advised us to go to his aunt’s village which was remotely located. The journey was tough. I was intent upon breaking the shackles of my horrendous marriage. Ram had wisely switched off his cell phone. He knew that Arnav would try to locate him. Half way through the journey Ram’s van broke down. We were stranded on a dark highway. The only option was to hitch hike. The highway had only transport trucks passing that way. We spent most of the night sitting inside the van. Ram intermittently got out to get help from a passing vehicle. The darkness was slowly fading and still no help was in sight. Just then we spotted a small tourist bus coming our way. Ram waved out to the bus and the driver stopped. On Ram’s request they allowed us to board the bus. As we entered the bus and settled down, Ram noticed that the bus took a U-turn. “Where is the bus going” Ram enquired. We will fill diesel and then go to Gundewadi. Ram was relieved because it was a convenient route to his aunt’s village. The night was weary and tiring. Ram and I soon fell asleep. We woke up to chatter and roars. As we rubbed our eyes and blinked, I noticed the driver speaking to two men. Both were trusted employees of the Deshmukh household. I was gripped with fear that Ram’s father and sister would be harassed. I was running out of options and time. I looked around the bus. The other two occupants had also got out of the bus. I signaled to Ram indicating that we had to somehow flee. The place looked like a small village. The bus was parked close to a cluster of houses.  The sun had not fully risen so there still wasn’t enough daylight. We tiptoed out of the bus. The men were seemingly in a heated argument so nobody noticed us sneaking out of the bus. We went around the cluster of houses and entered into one of them. An elderly person seated on a coir cot looked at us.  We pleadingly asked him to keep quiet.  The man must have sensed something amiss and led us into a rear room, apparently storeroom. As we hid inside the store room with bated breath, we could hear some voices outside asking if the man had seen a couple. An angel in disguise he managed to deny that he had not seen anyone. Time moved slowly and after what felt like ages, the store room door opened. The elderly man gestured us to come out. “They have gone” he said. We walked out and stretched ourselves. We freshened up and had a simple meal of Bhakri and chutney. Then we narrated our story to Kaka, who patiently listened to our story. “I must compliment you on your brave decision to move out of a bad marriage. But what are you going to do now”. “We have not yet given it a thought” Meanwhile Ram switched on his mobile to call his friend. It was too risky to call his father. “The police had come looking for you. They questioned your father for a long time. Then they had gone to Ashok’s house to see if you are hiding there. Baba told them that a family had hired your van for week to go to their native place.” We heaved a sigh of relief that Ram’s father was not physically tortured. I was carrying a cell phone so was spared the fear of being contacted by my family or friends. We thanked Kaka and left the place. Reaching Ram’s aunt’s house was an arduous journey. Both Ram and I covered our faces throughout the travel. We barely spoke to anyone and got off the bus only for changing the bus for onward journey. Ram’s aunt welcomed us and we still under constant threat felt a bit relieved. Ram narrated my story to his aunt. He also requested her to keep our presence in her house a secret. She promised not to tell anyone. But future was still bleak for us. I requested Ram to go back to his father. I would find my way. But he was not convinced.  “My wishes are stolen by my father, I was forced into marrying a man I did not love, abused and stripped of my dreams. Now I will fight all odds and stand up to fight back. There are nice people just as there are bad people”. “I will begin a new life, maybe in this village. I can change my name and get a new identity. I can do some community work, carry out awareness programs, there is so much to be done” Over the next few days, we stayed indoors, barely talking or discussing further, Ram made a phone call every day to enquire about the well-being of his father. Meanwhile we got to know about the scene created by Arnav at my father’s house. Police were stationed outside my father’s house and Ram’s house. My dreams of getting a degree in social work and doing community work were shattered by my father and the family that I got married into. My aspiration to bring a change in the patriarchal society was crushed. As days passed, I became restless. My future and moreover Ram’s future was at stake. A chance meeting with Ram, A platonic relationship with a man who gave me happiness, security also began to weigh heavily on me. I had put Ram’s life in danger. How is his family surviving in his absence. My mind was in turmoil. I once again broached the subject of changing my name. Ram had a grim look on his face. “Maybe I’m cynical, but I really don’t think any of that stuff works for anyone who is truly broken. Serves us better to just keep barreling forward and hope the demons can’t keep up, so you might as well be who you are”. 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